Cat Joke

So my cat Ramesses asked me to tell him a joke.   I tried to get out of it, but he insisted...

So here goes!
Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag my pussy."




He found that joke so unbelievably funny, that he laughed, and laughed.   I almost couldn't stop him from carrying on so much. 
If you've ever heard a cat laugh, it might be one of the most disturbing noises a human could bear witness to.   It's like a symphony of squeaks, wheezes, gasps, and vomiting noises.    There's also some sort of clicking sound from the jaw that is incredibly unsettling. 
It was not long after that he looked at me again, requesting another joke.


This time it wasn't going to be easy, making a cat laugh is one of the most difficult tasks someone who is owned by cat can attempt to execute on purpose.

"Okay" I sighed, preparing for the disaster that is yet to come.     I mustered my next best joke.

I am not going to repeat the joke here, as I was told it was not good, and also slightly cringey.   I will say that he was incredibly not amused by it, and has requested that I refrain from attempting to be funny ever again.

Bill Nye's new "show"

So I have been attempting to get through "Bill Nye Saves The World" and it's been really tough.  I mean more tough than I thought it would be since I actually had a decent amount of respect for Bill Nye... Yes, I said "had" because I watched this giant bag of purposely crippled puppies.    Bill Nye proves even through the title that he may be a bit narcissistic, if he thought his grandiose title would intrigue people into watching and changing their minds, he should use other tactics!  

"What's so bad?" I can hear someone asking.   Well, he starts off with the most polarizing topic he froths at the mouth over which is climate change.   His entire show was 97% of scientists blah blah blah, so that episode was a giant appeal to authority fallacy when it comes from arguments.   Now I knew I would disagree with him on a lot of stuff in that episode because I am a rational human being who has looked at the data, and agree that humans are likely contributing to warming trends, but in no way have I seen any evidence that it's going to end the world.  In fact, I have seen evidence that would say attempting to "fix" the "problem" would kill more people than not trying to fix it.   Fixing it, requires increasing the price of energy, and in a world where energy plays a big role in economic prosperity, I would say increasing the cost of energy would significantly increase poverty.

He proceeds to cover every topic that Penn and Teller already covered in "Bullshit" but does so in way much more palatable to progressive liberals.   Yes, on his show, the words "social contract" do come up and not the way Locke described it, but in a manner suggesting that people must give all their freedom up to government authority in order to achieve safety.

In his vaccines episode he correlated seat belt laws with pushing for legislation to force people to be vaccinated.   Here's the problem... I feel like seat belts do a great job in saving lives, but I think legislation for them is a violation of personal liberty.   If you get in an accident, you are extraordinarily unlikely to harm anyone else, it is therefore a personal choice and not able to be legislated while still claiming to defend liberty.   Not getting vaccinated can cause harm to someone else, which means that it is something that could be legislated.  The issue I have is he used a terrible argument that he assumed everyone agreed with to push a separate argument that was not similar at all.   He does it over and over again throughout different episodes.

I had terribly high opinions of Alton Brown, and Wil Wheaton, but after seeing them on this show... I just don't know anymore.   It's like the cringey nature of the show has somehow made me see the world through shit colored goggles.

That along with the "sex junk" video portion makes a lot of these episodes extremely cringeworthy.  Great example: most cringey quote of the show: " I used to be a kid's show host, not anymore bitches."

Dinner Finished

Well, I think I did pretty well.   It tasted good, and looked good!  If I keep up on having that much broccoli this diet will for sure work!  That's about 425 calories worth of Steak, and 100 calories worth of Broccoli.   Good sized dinner.   I would say the best thing about it is that the kitten would not leave it alone.   I know, my cat ate a cat food that was Friskies "Whitefish and Sardines in Sauce" flavored.. but I like to think that he really begs for things that are legitimately good.   There might not be any evidence to support that, but it makes me feel good, so I'll run with it.

Seriously, he wanted it really really bad!   I gave him a bit of the meat, it's good for him!   He thanked me by immediately after dinner going to his bed to ignore me.   Such a loving pet!  <3 p="">
Yes, there's beer there, but if I limit it to 1 pint a day, I believe it's actually healthy and good for you.   Some other sources agree with my idea!  So I will continue the habit, and attempt not to exceed that "healthy" amount.   Yeah, there are a lot of weekends where I probably won't limit it... but I should!

Other news, my doctor's blood pressure cuff was misplaced and therefore I didn't get it.   It was 150/110... which they are worried about.    Pulse pressure was 40 though, so I'm not worried... Besides, I have a cat!  And they claim that lowers your risk of heart disease by 33%!   Plus, I drink a glass of water before bed, so they say that reduces risk by 50%.   I'm working on near zero risk according to those things.. hell, I must be damn near immortal!   You can rub this post in my face if I die.

It's been forever but I'd like to write again!

Yeah yeah, I know... I hit it hard in 2004, and then dropped off the face of the earth.   Too much has changed, and a lot of political stuff went through my head and started to cloud what was important, which is who I am.   I'm not an ideology, or a style, or something that can be fit in a neat container.   So I will continue rambling on about random stuff, and I promise to attempt to keep the political divisive crap away!   So we'll be spending the next couple weeks just catching up, okay blog?   You and me, serious bonding time.   Got it?  

I'm currently on my 58th attempt at a diet, so I'm making steak and broccoli, which is surprisingly good for you.  I did not realize this, but Broccoli has more Vitamin C per gram than Oranges!   Did you know that?   I didn't know that until today!   It was an amazing discovery.   I also confirmed what I long suspected... the vegetables I hate the most, like Asparagus, and Brussels Sprouts... have the least nutritive value!   Yeah, I'm totally vindicated... Oh yeah, and Potatoes... are awesome for you as long as you don't slice them up and fry them.    So we're trying the thing where I eat what's good for me... avoid or extremely limit things that are bad for me, and tell the world to stop trying to tell me what's good and bad because I've noticed something world... none of you agree with each other.    As we learned from Mark Haub, losing weight and getting healthier can be done eating only Twinkies, nutty bars, and Powdered Donuts, so stuff it health advisers!  So my kitten says I can eat anything I want!  How's that for permission?  Beer is healthy too... I'll keep myself posted on how this diet goes.

As for that, I'm off to finish cooking dinner.   Keep you posted on the progress of said diet stuff and the future of everything.   I'm really just going to be introspective here so I can later either call myself awesome, or a dumbass.

I did something that I normally avoid doing on Saturday night... I participated in Karaoke night. My voice is very Meh'al... and there really wasn't any Meh'al on the list. So I did some old Bon Jovi... the oldest Metallica they had... and the Safety Dance. Everyone who was subjected to my singing, I apologize, I know it had to hurt!

The story that is told too often... girl meets boy... girl is unhappy. girl dumps boy, and meets new boy. Girl is happy with boy, and gains weight. Girl becomes unhappy for various reasons, dumps boy, loses weight, then repeats the cycle. screw off every single one of you that's like that.

I'm not bitter. Wait... yes I am.

3 Big Birthdays today. Stephen King, Chuck Jones, and H. G. Wells. We can put them all together and we would get a terrifying story about snoopy locked in the dungeounous basement of a remote cabin with a dangerous clown... and during that time they would jump to the future where the morlocks would attempt to eat Snoopy, but then an alien invasion would occur, and the ending would be a twist... charlie brown was brought back to life in the pet cemetary, but now he's evil.

Happy Nagasaki Day!!!

Oh, and happy Birthday Gillian Anderson. It's great that we can celebrate massive destruction. Because now we are in the friendlier day and age of "percieved threats" and bad intelligence spurring invasions. I got some intelligence that my next door neighbor has a lawn killing chemical at his disposal. This could ruin the livelyhood of my quarter acre country... so I'm going to invade and occupy his quarter acre... as a preemtive strike. If this was world war 2... it'd be easier, we'd just both rush to try to build the biggest fireball we could and drop it on each other.

I'm at work... it's kinda slow this morning. I'm cleaning out my office, preparing it to move to my new office... where all hell will break loose. They're putting 3 of us in the same office, and I'm pretty sure that the lady that's going to share the office with me will get real tired of my work style, real fast. We'll see.